LesCuisine: How (Not) to Feed a Pregnant Lady

We got up at 11:00 am.  It's 2:00 pm and Tommie is sleeping again, so it's my time to work on the blog.  Schneider and I met at Whole Foods yesterday.  We needed to have "baby talk," but I also wanted assistance shopping for what Schneider calls a "Poop Shake."  Both of our wives need guidance to "go number two."  This is another delightful treat during the first trimester.  Schneider recommended certain items that I have never purchased and they look like a middle school science project gone terribly wrong.  I now own flax seeds and they are eerily similar to small rodent feces.  My kitchen looks like the set of American Horror Story.  I have bottles of new things- poop elixirs or poop powders, if you please.

LAMB KIDNEYS? (AKA: DRIED APRICOTS AND PRUNES)



GROUND UP FEMURS? (AKA: GINGER CAPSULES)



Feeding a pregnant lady is a tricky matter.  Tommie often craves something (this morning it was black bean salsa and cheesy eggs, and a green tea that she left to chill on the living room table), and then she will take a bite and forget she was ever hungry.  I've decided that I'm only going to prepare half-portions of things.  The fridge is getting fat with all of the food we have to store in there because of Tommie's pregnant whims.  We are keeping the Tupperware company in business.

PREGNANT FRIDGE


Inside is...
1. 1/4 eaten tray of baked rigatoni (see my last post)
2. 6 buffalo wings (see my last post)
3. 3 pieces of well-cooked bacon
4. 1/2 bowl of salsa
5. prune juice, care of Schneider
6. 1 pickle
7. 5/8 serving of chicken curry
8. beer for me

Schneider and I bought Preggie Pop Drops yesterday.  They don't do shit and the smiling woman on the package is a liar.  Tommie had one and I am convinced it caused her to dry heave more than usual.  I have been more inclined to use our juicer.  Previously, it was collecting dust.  It was also getting jealous when I would take out its neighbor, the crock pot, to make fatty meats and delectable party foods.  I believe that cooking any sort of meat is currently out of the question.  We actually have a great Breville masticating juicer that allows the fiber to squeeze through in the juice-making process.  That's important because Tommie needs that fiber.  Today, I made "KKP,"which is kale, kiwi, and pineapple with a hint of orange.  She actually drank it.

YOU DOWN WITH KKP...YEAH, YOU KNOW ME



We are going to try some of Schneider's soup for dinner.  She was kind enough to bring me a Tupperware container of it yesterday.  I am guessing she donated the 1/2 that Jake would not eat.  Feeding a pregnant lady is always a surprise!  For all I know, we may end up at Sonic tonight, which wouldn't be so bad.  Of course, we may get there and have to turn around and head to Taco Bell instead.